Sophomore Slump

by Paco Higdon

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1.
This sophomore slump, it's a real thing You better think before you take that second swing I can't find the words, I can't find a sound. And I used all my good ideas the first time around Like Love Never Dies or Caddyshack 2 I just lost track of what I first tried to do This sophomore slump is killing me How am I ever gonna make it to number three? From crowds on high to the proletariat, there are Stringent expectations to be met Delivers with a kick straight to the rump Just another day in the life of the sophomore slump Well, the masses concur, that they really prefer where your head was at back then The Midas Touch is a little too much for your tender-footed hand for your tender-footed hand And your self-deprecation's met with hesitation We hate to make a stink And though we like a good meta joke as much as the next bloke, you're forcing it, don't you think? This sophomore slump is such a drag might as well head home and pack my bags This sophomore slumpis such a bore since I'm only sticking to what worked for me before the exact same things I did in the days of yore And you know I just cant take it anymore This sophomore slump We’ll beat this sophomore slump
2.
When humankind was invented, we were such a pain in the ass our maker took a day of rest From the garden on Eden we were cast out, naked and cold With nothing but a fig leaf to our name Homo Defectus, that’s me! With some quick evolution, we were back upright on our feet Ha! See what I did there? It's nothing short of amazing how we fought our way to the top with nothing but the skill to bend our thumbs thumbs opposable thumbs Humanity has been a fairly bumpy ride thanks to some hefty notches in the timeline Our lord and savior walked among the dinosaurs He suffered for their sins, till they were no more The ages got so dark, from what we can recount We’ll never know for sure, we never wrote it down Election, war, and conquest fill the prophecy Less 1984, more Idiocracy An Inconvenient Truth came out on DVD We're doomed to repeat ourselves We're doomed to repeat ourselves We're doomed to repeat ourselves We're doomed to repeat ourselves We're doomed to repeat ourselves Homo Defectus That’s you and me
3.
I see my muse just up and quit today got sick of working behind the scenes She bet so much money on my mind my vision is tinted green These just desserts have a funky after-taste, but at least it gives me something to eat So put the pencil to the paper, and join forces with the anarchy Believe you me How I love to work for free I need a job to get experience and experience to get a job Cease and desist with all your handouts I've trained hard to be a lazy slob Don’t be a snob Cuz I love to work for free (It's good exposure) I’m a desperate devotee (If I don’t take it, someone will) A starving artist’s life for me (Nobody’s fault but mine) Boy howdy, I love to work for free How I love to work for free (It's good exposure) I’m a desperate devotee (If I don’t take it, someone will) A starving artist’s life for me (Nobody’s fault but mine) Look at my bachelor’s degree!
4.
I always kinda knew that I'd never fit in With my polka-dot suit, and my big, red grin An odd facade for a broken man drinking rubber chicken soup for the soul by the can I never seen a college ever giving degrees for scaring all the kids at a Mickey D's A hardened harlequin, pantomime waste of time Slapstick sidekick, pound foolish, penny wise And I got big shoes to fill Got some really big shoes to fill Yes I got big shoes to fill So shoot my body from a cannon, honey Kill the joke until you think it's funny clownin' around Slap me silly for a modest paycheck Nothing's better for a runaway than Clownin' around We’re just clownin’ around Working to earn that rubber nose, I'm no Juggalo, just a crusty old bozo, You know I don't play that, laughter is power so lean a little closer and smell this flower Am I crazy like Pogo, or a killer from outer space? Well it sure beats a custard pie to the face Come and laugh at the pagliacci Si può, si può, signore, signori Smokey’s always singing how he's so sad But Smokey doesn't know sad Smokey’s always singing how he hurts so bad But Smokey don't know bad So shoot my body from a cannon, honey Kill the joke until you think it's funny clownin' around Slap me silly for a modest paycheck Nothing's better for a runaway than Clownin' around Well, come on over to the tent, now won't you have some fun at my expense and don't you Dare ever frown Twist balloons in the shape of my heart and pop that sucker with a passionate fart clowni' around Crashing the clown car, better take a head count Crashed the clown car, gonna need a head count Crashed the clown car, gotta take a head count One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty, thirty-one, thirty-two, thirty-three, thirty-four and more!
5.
Take a look in the mirror, assess what you see Is the one looking back who you want them to be? Possibly yes, probably no Regardless, there's something I think you should know We live in an era of body positivity where thick's the new thin, and we struggle for natural beauty But if I'm as perfect as all of those pop singers say Why do my prospects keep running away? They still call me ugly, they still think I’m fat It's society's fault that they see it like that? Though it's totally fine to be comfortable in your skin It's probably time now that someone who cares filled you in Some people just aren't going to like you Some folks are illogical, biased, or rude Some people hate brains, some people hate beauty Some women drink whiskey, some men like it fruity And most important of all You'll probably never know what you did wrong There are 7.2 billion fish in the sea Some of them, opposites of you and me They say one man's quirks are another man's flaws It's useless to protest these natural laws Yet you might believe there are some who're immune to this fate Like all those celebrities nobody's able to hate? Like Scarlett Johansson (she's got a plain face) or Jennifer Lawrence (she lacks any grace) Benedict Cumberbatch (looks like a lizard) Emma Watson (she's not even really a wizard) JT (that guy dresses like kind of a douche) Tom Hanks (don't think we forgot Turner and Hooch) What about Kate Upton (her chest is too ample) Dave Grohl? Well, okay, bad example My point is that taste can be fickle and hard to discern And sometimes contrarians just want to watch the world burn Some people just aren't going to like you Some folks are illogical, biased, or rude So don't bother asking, cuz they'll never say Why there's prejudice tattooed to their DNA And most important of all You'll probably never know what you did wrong In fairness to all of the good men and women I trashed in the previous verse I've made up a list to remind all of you that you definitely could have it worse Paco Higdon, that guy's got a bit of a gut He wears baggy pants that don't flatter his butt That mop on his head is both creepy and weird And it's kind of pathetic he can't grow a beard His shoes look straight out of Goodwill (they are) His room might as well be a landfill He nibbles his nails, a most hideous vice and His nose is the love child of Squidward and Streisand But he still found a lady who just doesn't care let's him dress like a hobo and grow out his hair His blue eyes are pretty, he's got a nice smile His humor and wit take him that extra mile He's proof that it clearly takes more to being manly than having some scruff on your chest His heart is so big that it makes up for all of his parts that are average at best And I know that some people just aren't going to like me Some jerks won't know skill if it bit their behinds Snorting the line between fact and subjective Whatever, we're all just a little defective And most important of all We'll all never know what is we did wrong We'll all never know what is we did wrong
6.
03:46
Three, one, two It's midnight on a Saturday my night has just begun I'm off to ye old public house for some microbrewed liquid fun Like an IPA, that's aromatic, 12% and a zillions IBU's But judging by this draft list, I'll be stumbling home tonight with the Labatt blues But wait... What are the Labatt blues, you ask? Well, let's fill you up and fill you in So say you're quite the connoisseur of all the finest suds You're at the local dive with all your fairest-weather buds You yearn for hops and porters, belgians, bocks, and barleywines But unless it ends in "light", this joint has nothing of the kind They'll try to tell you High Life and Shock Top are top of the line craft brews And if you ain't bud the weiser, you're the reason folks like me got the Labatt blues Abandon hope, for thou hast entered the House of a thousand Coorses Is this what Toby Keith's been feeding to his horses? If life's too short to drink bad beer, I might as well be dead I think they accidentally served me water instead But looking on the bright side, I guess it saves a dollar or two Barkeep, over here… see me, waving my white flag? Yeah… just uh… just get me a Blue Moon Well I've never been mistreated by my woman, or The Man No I've never been mistreated by my woman, or The Man But I never thought I'd be betrayed by the bottle, tap, or can
7.
This song is a work of fiction based on actual events All resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidence There's something foul in the atmosphere I've smelled it since you set foot in here A glass of wine with my choice of words They might taste better in a different language Gomenasai je plaisante Adios für immer The views and opinions expressed in this song are those of the author alone, meaning me As such they do not necessarily reflect our sponsor's position or policy There's more to life than reality I'll tell you more for an added fee Straight through the flesh, to the very core 'Tis but a scratch, I've had worse. Have at you! There's nowhere else to run But plenty of space left to hide Momentai A sight for sorry eyes But now I'm better off going blind Going blind I'm sorry that I don't feel sorry for you This song has been modified from it’s original version Formatted to fit your brain No feelings were harmed in the making There's nowhere else to run But plenty of space left to hide Momentai A sight for sorry eyes But now I'm better off going blind Going blind I'm sorry that I don't feel sorry for you Sorry that I don’t feel sorry for you Sorry that I don’t feel sorry for you Gomenasai je plaisante Adios für immer Senpai Kizuite
8.
04:06
Hey, hey, hey Don't you think it's a beautiful day? Can’t you say it's a beautiful day? And will you let me know? Cuz I'm still in bed… Wake me up to hear the fat lady sing The end is just the dawn of another thing Hey, little pig Now I got you by the hair on your chin by the hair on your chinny chin chin I'll huff, and I'll puff, but the show's gotta go on Woah, woah, woah Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? Cuz I think you two should just stay friends We bow before thee, holy mackerel A molehill's still a mountain to a mole Close your eyes, take a deep breath and count to ten take a deep breath and count to ten You can stop at ten, but I think you better go on I'm big with the Liliputians, but you can't tie me down So where exactly is this kingdom come? Sixty billion double dollars on my head But they won’t find me That I'm sure Cuz no-one reads the paper anymore No one reads the paper anymore No one reads the paper anymore Sing, sing, sing Do you ever get the time to breathe? Do you ever get the time to breathe? But you can't pass out cuz the show's gotta go Go on!
9.
The lowly hero, who seldom spoke The bottom end, of every joke Four strings, zero respect Got in too deep in retrospect Ooo, ooo, ooo, I’m gonna stand up Cuz treble’s too much trouble, and I think I’ve had enough This bass player’s going solo Going stag with my Jag I’m sick of second fiddle cuz even second fiddle gets more respect than me Not everyone’s destined to be a God like Lemmy, or Geddy Lee It’s such a slap straight to the face to ridicule the slightly larger mostly monophonic, picked or fingered, underrated catalyst for the decision that this bass player’s going solo Gonna stick by my Rick I’ve never laid my stubby digits on any other instrument but bass is all I need I would give Mr. Guitarist my letter of resignation but I know that he can’t read From this day forth, it’s my decision to feel that jazz or rock precision So beat it, drummers, you’re weak without me You see what happens to those who doubt me? Ooo, ooo, ooo, I have no regrets I may be walking blind, but I’m a man without frets This bass player’s going solo Just you and me, EB3 You’ll dig my groovy tunes because I’m always in the pocket, Or are you just happy to see me? I’ll have my pick of all the ladies, cuz beggars can’t be choosers, baby Who wouldn’t want to be me?
10.
08:56
I'm twenty-two it's the 8th of February Twenty-two years ago a star was born Twenty-two let's celebrate the age in which your age don't really matter anymore I've been drinking responsibly for a year now A halfway decent lad behind the wheel There ain't a movie in the world that I can't see (Show us how it’s done!) Just watch me College heads towards its final season My youth will soon head for the hills But never mind, I'm 22, and we all know what that means (What does it mean?) I dunno I'm twenty-two it's the 8th of February Twenty-two years ago a star was born Twenty-two let's celebrate the age in which your age don't really matter anymore Don’t matter anymore It’s far too young to be responsible But far too old to be carefree Still several decades from the wisdom, but unfortunately one whole decade past when I could say I didn’t know any better I didn’t know any better It’s not the worst thing that can happen I mean, I could turn twenty-three Or everything beyond until the day that I expire It’s the best and worst dang time to be alive And it's all downhill from here And it's all downhill from here Yes it's all downhill from here It’s all downhill from here Yeah, you’re twenty-two, boy It’s all downhill from here Hope you enjoy living at home for the next several years The real world is scary, just stretch out those credits and never graduate, okay? No more birthday parties What do you do when youth’s lost its novelty expected to take on more accountability Don’t listen to what Taylor Swift says about it, guys, she’s rich, remember? Key change! And it’s all downhill from here Scratch that, too high, never mind Cuz it’s all downhill Which is nice when you’re riding a bike, not so much for existence, you know? All downhill from here The grains in the hourglass slip through my hands My lifespan deteriorates while my belly expands The horizon recedes like my hairline, farther out of my grasp And it's all downhill from here At least in three more years I'll get to rent a car

credits

released December 22, 2015

All songs written/arranged by Paco Higdon

Paco Higdon- Vocals, guitars, drums, washboard, melodica, bass
(tracks 1, 4, and 9), keys, programming, Clown horn,
whoopee cushion, assorted percussion
Josh Karpowicz- Percussion, additional drums (tracks 4, 8)
Chuck Alkazian- Gang vocals (track 2, 5, 7, 10)
Neal Warner- Electric and upright bass (tracks 2, 3, 5-10)
James Higdon- Gang vocals (track 2, 5, 7, 10)
Kaitlin Sarnacki- Gang vocals (track 2, 5, 7, 10)
Ryan Walsh- Additional vocals (track 8)
Alaina Bartkowiak- Additional vocals (track 8)
Bill Grady- Dobro solo (track 7)
Walter White- Trumpet (track 10)
John Rutherford- Trombone (track 10)
Keith Kaminski- Saxophone (track 3, 10)
Dwight Adams- Trumpet (track 10)
Taylor Izak- Violin (tracks 4 and 5)

Produced by Paco Higdon and Josh Karpowicz

Recorded at Pearl Sound Studios, Canton, MI

Engineered by Josh Karpowicz, assisted by Andrew Hammerstein

Mixed by Chuck Alkazian

Mastered by Chuck Alkazian at Pearl Sound Studios, Canton, MI

Photography & Graphics by Aimée List of Alchemy Photographic

Additional and very special thanks to Pauly Brady, Aimée List,
Jill Fleisher, Chuck Alkazian, Josh Karpowicz, the Motor City
Horns, Matt Ulanoff, Ron Russell, Berkley High School,
Steve Carson and all my friends, family, and fans who love and support me

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